Remembering Annabelle

Releasing the doves at the memorial service United hospital hosted last fall  in honor of babies gone far too soon.  Such a heart-wrenching but somehow glorious moment. 

It's been almost a year since we said goodbye to our precious baby girl, Annabelle Grace.  I need to tell this very personal story, as I believe that typing the words, reading them back to myself somehow make it easier to move forward and let go, even if it's a tiny bit of release, it's something. 

At the time of her passing, we didn't know she was a girl.  We thought it would be harder to know, that somehow, it would be easier to think of her as "baby b".  It was such a difficult decision, and at the time, it's what we decided was best.  We knew that in the future, we could always find out. Of course, as you all know, we did find out, but not for a little while.

The back-story...
The day we found out she wasn't going to survive was the same appointment scheduled to find out the sex of our twins.  At our check-up, we intentionally didn't look at the ultrasound monitor and had the ultrasound tech write down each baby's sex on a "secret card" that I was going to drop off at a bakery so they could make either 2 pink, 2 blue, or a pink and blue cake - and then have a "gender reveal" party later that week with our family and friends.  The ultrasound tech didn't say anything to us about Annabelle's apparent complications throughout the entire ultrasound, which must have been so terribly difficult.  She just carried on very professionally, wrote out our card and gave it to us, sealed like we'd requested.  We still didn't know anything was wrong at that point, as we bounced up and down in the waiting room wondering what the card said, talking about what our hunches were, so excited!  But an hour later, the doctor called us back for the second half of our appointment and it was then we learned the devastating news.  My heart breaks all over again thinking about that moment, one year ago yesterday.  There is nothing that can prepare you for that kind of news, nothing.

After meeting with a neonatal grief counselor (yes, they exist) and talking it through, Aaron and I  felt that knowing might be difficult, but ultimately it was the right decision for us. We needed to know, we needed to give her a name, and she is named after my great grandmother (Grandma Viv's mother), Annabelle.  

And as March 6 rolled around this year, I couldn't help but think about what life would be like today with not only a beautiful baby boy Abraham bouncing around in my lap, but a little girl as well.  I am SO SO SO incredibly grateful for our amazing son, he is the love of my life and the light in my heart without a doubt.  But I want to take a moment and remember his twin sister, my sweet Annabelle, and acknowledge my love for her as well. 

Perhaps it's time for me to move on, some people advise.  "Let go", Amy.  I can certainly see the intention in these words, but let me tell you, easier said than done.  I don't feel like I dwell or feel sad all the time.  Quite the opposite, actually.  I know in my heart that she is Abraham's angel, looking over him and protecting him, and of course hanging out her with Grandpa Jim, Grandma Muriel and Grandpa Lowell, Uncle Eric, and Grandpa Bob, her family in heaven.  And I'd like to think that maybe a little bit of her can be seen in Abe, they were after all, living in pretty close quarters :)